I met god last night in a dream. He said he “doesn’t usually do this” and I asked him how I could know this was real, not just a figment of my own imagination. He told me to “settle down, Hamlet”, then explained that was “a whole can of worms” that I “wouldn’t want to go down”.
I still wanted to be sure he was god, so I asked him why light speed was what it was. He shrugged and said “well it had to be something”. It turns out most things are explained that way.
I asked him why he’d abandoned us and he said Y2K had “spooked” him, but it looked like we were “out of the woods on that one”.
I vented my frustrations with the way the world worked. I yelled about the poor design of mosquitoes and scrotums and the lack of natural compassion and entropy and heat death. God just got real angry and started calling me “a real smart guy” and saying “must be nice” over and over. He closed the topic by telling me his team was “aware of my complaints” and they were “working on it”.
I talked to him all night. He says angels are real in a metaphorical sense and demons are real in a literal sense. He did not elaborate. I asked him about pain and cruelty, and if it had a purpose, and he asked if I was genuinely curious, or just asking because I felt like I was “supposed to”. I got too embarrassed to push that one further.
I get the sense he doesn’t know everything. I asked about the existence of aliens and Bigfoots and JFK and stuff. I noticed, multiple times, that he would only say he hasn’t looked into it and then change the topic by asking me questions like “have you seen the Michael Jackson movie” or “what’s your favorite McDonald’s”.
Things were wrapping up towards the end. There was an awkward silence and he addressed it by saying he “created the whole dang universe to avoid those”, and he’d “be fucked” if he was “going to suffer it now”. I dragged the conversation out a little further and asked if he was happy with how the whole world and everything turned out and all he said was “sometimes these things get away from ya”. And that was that.
I woke up this morning feeling relieved.